會再遇見嗎?

讀到這樣一句話，「如果能相遇一百零一次，我願意勇敢離別一百次。」只要最終能重逢，那中間的分離似乎都可以忍受。懷抱著再相見的希望，我們因此有了支持生活的信心。

雖然這句話很浪漫豁達，可是我不相信。命運不是可靠的朋友，世均跟曼禎十四年後的重逢，只換來一句「我們回不去了！」，機緣已然錯過，連力挽狂瀾都顯得可笑。漫長的離別之後，我們真的還能夠了解彼此嗎？人際關係無比微妙，愛情、友情、親情沒有例外，沒有手拉著手的親暱，沒有肩並肩的踏實，沒有眼對眼的會意，只剩下薄薄的語言在空氣中，試圖重建一段緊密的關係。

對文字的倚賴再深，都敵不過一個溫暖的擁抱。

然後我也覺得可笑，即使後來我們相遇了，那又如何呢？我們說再見的次數一定比打招呼的次數多，我們最終都必須跟每個深愛的人告別。說再見，是人生殘忍而必要的練習。

好吧，也許我也可以天真爛漫一點，來生，如果還有來生，我們可能還會相見。對於輪迴，我是既信又不信，沒有任何科學根據，但有時我又為人與人之間的相似感到驚訝。

還沒有深深的愛過，還沒有把自己跟另一個人牢牢聯繫過，我不知道我會不會想飲盡孟婆湯，重新開始。如果愛成為束縛我們的繩索，捆綁我們生生世世，那還是斬斷的好。

八個月說長不長，卻也足夠培養出有些厚度的情感。也許就只是這些短短的時光，卻重重的存在於記憶裡。你說你捨不得再也見不到我，我答應著一定會去拜訪你。

可是我們誰也不知道，我們會不會再相見。

會再遇見嗎？

倘若真的相遇，我會飛奔向你，笑著擁抱你瘦削的身軀。倘若無法，那離別時，我會在你懷裡嗅聞你的味道，觸摸你老是沒刮乾淨的鬍渣，用我所有的感官，記住你，我最親愛的朋友。

也想起曾經瘋迷的電視劇"步步驚心"裡的詩，

十戒詩　　倉央嘉措

第一最好不相見，如此便可不相戀。

第二最好不相知，如此便可不相思。

第三最好不相伴，如此便可不相欠。

第四最好不相惜，如此便可不相憶。

第五最好不相愛，如此便可不相棄。

第六最好不相對，如此便可不相會。

第七最好不相誤，如此便可不相負。

第八最好不相許，如此便可不相續。

第九最好不相依，如此便可不相偎。

第十最好不相遇，如此便可不相聚。

但曾相見便相知，相見何如不見時。

安得與君相訣絕，免教生死作相思。

也許繾綣一世，最終我們都如詞人納蘭性德一樣，輕嘆道:

人生若只如初見，

何事秋風悲畫扇？

等閒變卻故人心，

卻道故人心易變。

可是，用情太深，我們也無法相忘於江湖，只能相憶在心底最深處。迪士尼電影"Pocahontas" 裡我最喜歡的歌If I never knew you就這麼唱道:

If I never knew you

I'd have lived my whole life through

Empty as the sky

相逢與否，此刻已無關風月了。能夠相識，就是生命裡最大的喜樂。

Take it or Leave it

“You’re thinking too much,” said Jake.

“No, I wasn't thinking enough,” I disagreed.

Now I know what you mean, folks. I’m thinking too much on things that I needn't think that much. Why tried to plan everything? I was simply too paranoid at pursuing perfect. Just let it flow!

        But to be honest, I don’t understand why it is so hard to make my plan works. I didn't ask much. All I want is to go to a club, dance, have fun, or just go to a nice bar and hang out with my friends. Why can’t I have it?

        Perhaps God meant to keep me from it. If I go out with friends every weekend, when do I get to work? If I become used to partying, clubbing, I waste way too much money and time on it, and probably ruin my health as well. Alcohol, staying up, go to MacDonald at 1 a.m, etc. All my friends in Taiwan are surprised that I want to go to parties. I was never like that back at home. I guess I am different here. “When you go to Rome, do what Romans do.” As an 8 month resident here, I have double identities of both traveler and resident. Sometimes I feel like I am so used to the life here and not missing home at all whereas sometimes I jump out of my life and start to evaluate everything from a Taiwanese standard (which make me feel poor and make a lot of things stupid :P)

        Through all these annoying experience, I realized that I am really not a submitting sheep. I am never good at just following others because I know what I want to do and I don’t see why I should sacrifice myself. All I need to do is to be braver and more direct about what I want, instead of blindly following others, especially when others actually have no clue what they are doing. I shouldn’t be afraid to lead others just for the sake of saving troubles and relieving pressure from myself. Because every time I want to go lazy, people either are clueless or not really take my will into consideration. I am always too caring and feeling obliged to make everyone in a group happy so I consider others more than myself. But the truth is, it’s not my responsibility at all! If they don’t like it, they should say it. And if what I suggest is not good, it’s not my fault either since I can’t predict it. After all, I am not a tour guide who is paid to entertain people. I’m just me, and I want to have fun in my own way. Take it, or leave it.

Why my Halloween sucks?

        I bet there are few people like me who had been fooled by God so many times for this Halloween. Seriously, I felt like it’s a Fool’s Day for me. And I had no idea why I got pranked again and again. This is not fun at all!

        So what exactly happened? Well, from early October, people started to talk about Halloween parties and tickets are selling out pretty soon. But most of my friends are not sure what they will do at that time. So I wasn’t dare to buy tickets for any party. And all of a sudden, almost all the party tickets are sold out, and you can imagine, I am the lucky person who has no ticket. What should I do then? Of course I asked around, and just when my friend found me ticket, I realized I made a serious mistake. I went to renew my passport and I could only get it back until Nov 12. And god bless me, I have no other governmental ID, no National ID (I left it in Taiwan for fear that I lose it here), no driving license( How I wish I know how to drive!), no BC ID (because I haven’t got my MSP), so I only had a photocopy of my passport, my UBC student card and an useless International Student Card.

        In Canada, if you are under 19, you can’t get a drink in bars or liquor store, not to mention getting into a club. So I couldn’t even go to any place with my friends, except house parties. And my friend invited me to one, but told me a day before Halloween that it got cancelled. Well then, I thought I would chill and just go to a UBC Improv show, but then my friend who was supposed to go with me had urgency back home to deal with. Ok, fine, I posted on the exchange student group to ask if there is a house party I can go. And people did tell me. But the problem is I don’t the people who passed me the info. It felt awkward to go to a house party without knowing anyone. Well, you might say, you can bring your friends.

        Yes, I did try. But my roommates and their friends want to go to downtown first. And we randomly picked a bar in Gastown, which sucks. So I wanted to go to the house parties that people told me. But it was already past midnight and it seemed super awkward to walk in at that time, not to mention we weren’t really sure where the places were and it was chilly outside. Oh, I almost forgot to mention, at the same time, my cellphone wasn’t working well, I couldn’t even text people. (I hate BELL!!)

        So we just head back. Such a nice trip back and forth without really doing anything! It really wasn’t anyone’s fault. But I do hope I can be more certain and more direct about what I want. If I was clear that I wanted to go to house parties first, then things might be different. However, it was really hard to decide what to do when I had so little information and I was afraid that they would be disappointed if those parties are not good. I guess I just need to be a bit more selfish. Why do I need to care so much about how others feel and sacrifice what I want?

        You might wonder why I was so desperate to go to parties. Well, let me be clear, I am not a party animal, or you should say that I seldom go to parties. Every time people invite me to go clubbing, it happened to be the time I was too tired or needed to work the day after, so I had to say no. Or it might be that I wasn’t in the mood to party with people I wasn’t that fond of. And people who I get along with usually don’t party that much, so I don’t really get invited to parties. I am just not belonged to any group which parties.

        But I do want to go crazy once in a while. And Halloween seemed to be a very justified time and reason to do so. I hate to admit that I haven’t been to any club in Vancouver, or another embarrassing fact that I have never been drunk. These are just like the things I want to have experience, like once, and it’s enough. My question is: when do I get the chance? All I yearn for is to experience and then I can proudly say, “I have lived.”

        I guess the worst part of all the things is that I kept being failed. Every time I tried to plan something, it turned out to be different from what I expected. It’s fine when it happened once or twice, but when it continued to happen, I got really pissed. Being a Capricorn, I tend to make plans for everything, so I felt even more disappointed when I can’t control what will happen.

        I know I still have time, still have a lot of chance, but I just don’t want to wait. My another personality is being impatient. So yeah, that’s my Halloween. Nothing tragic, but just sucks. (Oh, did I tell you that I even made the tiara myself, which took me more than 2 hours? )

But to clarify, the day before Halloween was good, it’s the day of Halloween that sucks. I still enjoyed carving pumpkins and went to a haunted houseJ