Nick and Nora’s Infinite Playist--即使是碎片都好

(Credit to IMDB)

一整晚在紐約的追趕跑跳碰，我印象最深刻的就是他們在錄音室裡的對話。

Norah: It reminds me of this part of Judaism that I really like. It's called Tikun Olam. It says that the world's been broken into pieces and it's everybody's job to find them and put them back together again.

Nick: Well maybe we're the pieces. Maybe we are not supposed to find the pieces. Maybe we are the pieces.

不知為何，這段對話頓時觸動了我。生活如此疲憊，常讓我覺得分崩離析，需要努力的把自己拼湊成能見人的樣子。(我知道沒上班沒房貸沒小孩的我沒資格叫累，可是我還是無可避免地會感受到自己正片片瓦解中。)

我們努力地想讓自己更完美，更臻成熟，但也許我們必須要接受，自己不過是天地間的一塊小碎片，上頭還有幾道凹痕。那又如何呢? 我們都是上帝手中的拼圖，對全局一無所知。

而我想Nick跟Norah就是契合彼此的兩個拼圖吧。我們在愛裡尋覓許久，期望找的”對的人”。但從來就沒有什麼是”對”，什麼是”錯”，而只是兩塊拼圖搭不搭得起來而已。

我想到交友網站上的match，網站上成千上百的match，有幾個真的能成功呢? 祝寂寞男女都找到自己的另一塊拼圖，而桀敖不馴如我，就眾樂樂不如獨樂樂吧。

(Credit to  Sky Go Movie)

Norah是  2 Broke Girl裡刀子嘴豆腐心的Max，Nick則是Juno裡手足無措的小爸爸，兩個人都不是典型的俊男美女，但搭配起來卻挺有趣的。

會再遇見嗎?

讀到這樣一句話，「如果能相遇一百零一次，我願意勇敢離別一百次。」只要最終能重逢，那中間的分離似乎都可以忍受。懷抱著再相見的希望，我們因此有了支持生活的信心。

雖然這句話很浪漫豁達，可是我不相信。命運不是可靠的朋友，世均跟曼禎十四年後的重逢，只換來一句「我們回不去了！」，機緣已然錯過，連力挽狂瀾都顯得可笑。漫長的離別之後，我們真的還能夠了解彼此嗎？人際關係無比微妙，愛情、友情、親情沒有例外，沒有手拉著手的親暱，沒有肩並肩的踏實，沒有眼對眼的會意，只剩下薄薄的語言在空氣中，試圖重建一段緊密的關係。

對文字的倚賴再深，都敵不過一個溫暖的擁抱。

然後我也覺得可笑，即使後來我們相遇了，那又如何呢？我們說再見的次數一定比打招呼的次數多，我們最終都必須跟每個深愛的人告別。說再見，是人生殘忍而必要的練習。

好吧，也許我也可以天真爛漫一點，來生，如果還有來生，我們可能還會相見。對於輪迴，我是既信又不信，沒有任何科學根據，但有時我又為人與人之間的相似感到驚訝。

還沒有深深的愛過，還沒有把自己跟另一個人牢牢聯繫過，我不知道我會不會想飲盡孟婆湯，重新開始。如果愛成為束縛我們的繩索，捆綁我們生生世世，那還是斬斷的好。

八個月說長不長，卻也足夠培養出有些厚度的情感。也許就只是這些短短的時光，卻重重的存在於記憶裡。你說你捨不得再也見不到我，我答應著一定會去拜訪你。

可是我們誰也不知道，我們會不會再相見。

會再遇見嗎？

倘若真的相遇，我會飛奔向你，笑著擁抱你瘦削的身軀。倘若無法，那離別時，我會在你懷裡嗅聞你的味道，觸摸你老是沒刮乾淨的鬍渣，用我所有的感官，記住你，我最親愛的朋友。

也想起曾經瘋迷的電視劇"步步驚心"裡的詩，

十戒詩　　倉央嘉措

第一最好不相見，如此便可不相戀。

第二最好不相知，如此便可不相思。

第三最好不相伴，如此便可不相欠。

第四最好不相惜，如此便可不相憶。

第五最好不相愛，如此便可不相棄。

第六最好不相對，如此便可不相會。

第七最好不相誤，如此便可不相負。

第八最好不相許，如此便可不相續。

第九最好不相依，如此便可不相偎。

第十最好不相遇，如此便可不相聚。

但曾相見便相知，相見何如不見時。

安得與君相訣絕，免教生死作相思。

也許繾綣一世，最終我們都如詞人納蘭性德一樣，輕嘆道:

人生若只如初見，

何事秋風悲畫扇？

等閒變卻故人心，

卻道故人心易變。

可是，用情太深，我們也無法相忘於江湖，只能相憶在心底最深處。迪士尼電影"Pocahontas" 裡我最喜歡的歌If I never knew you就這麼唱道:

If I never knew you

I'd have lived my whole life through

Empty as the sky

相逢與否，此刻已無關風月了。能夠相識，就是生命裡最大的喜樂。

Take it or Leave it

“You’re thinking too much,” said Jake.

“No, I wasn't thinking enough,” I disagreed.

Now I know what you mean, folks. I’m thinking too much on things that I needn't think that much. Why tried to plan everything? I was simply too paranoid at pursuing perfect. Just let it flow!

        But to be honest, I don’t understand why it is so hard to make my plan works. I didn't ask much. All I want is to go to a club, dance, have fun, or just go to a nice bar and hang out with my friends. Why can’t I have it?

        Perhaps God meant to keep me from it. If I go out with friends every weekend, when do I get to work? If I become used to partying, clubbing, I waste way too much money and time on it, and probably ruin my health as well. Alcohol, staying up, go to MacDonald at 1 a.m, etc. All my friends in Taiwan are surprised that I want to go to parties. I was never like that back at home. I guess I am different here. “When you go to Rome, do what Romans do.” As an 8 month resident here, I have double identities of both traveler and resident. Sometimes I feel like I am so used to the life here and not missing home at all whereas sometimes I jump out of my life and start to evaluate everything from a Taiwanese standard (which make me feel poor and make a lot of things stupid :P)

        Through all these annoying experience, I realized that I am really not a submitting sheep. I am never good at just following others because I know what I want to do and I don’t see why I should sacrifice myself. All I need to do is to be braver and more direct about what I want, instead of blindly following others, especially when others actually have no clue what they are doing. I shouldn’t be afraid to lead others just for the sake of saving troubles and relieving pressure from myself. Because every time I want to go lazy, people either are clueless or not really take my will into consideration. I am always too caring and feeling obliged to make everyone in a group happy so I consider others more than myself. But the truth is, it’s not my responsibility at all! If they don’t like it, they should say it. And if what I suggest is not good, it’s not my fault either since I can’t predict it. After all, I am not a tour guide who is paid to entertain people. I’m just me, and I want to have fun in my own way. Take it, or leave it.

Why my Halloween sucks?

        I bet there are few people like me who had been fooled by God so many times for this Halloween. Seriously, I felt like it’s a Fool’s Day for me. And I had no idea why I got pranked again and again. This is not fun at all!

        So what exactly happened? Well, from early October, people started to talk about Halloween parties and tickets are selling out pretty soon. But most of my friends are not sure what they will do at that time. So I wasn’t dare to buy tickets for any party. And all of a sudden, almost all the party tickets are sold out, and you can imagine, I am the lucky person who has no ticket. What should I do then? Of course I asked around, and just when my friend found me ticket, I realized I made a serious mistake. I went to renew my passport and I could only get it back until Nov 12. And god bless me, I have no other governmental ID, no National ID (I left it in Taiwan for fear that I lose it here), no driving license( How I wish I know how to drive!), no BC ID (because I haven’t got my MSP), so I only had a photocopy of my passport, my UBC student card and an useless International Student Card.

        In Canada, if you are under 19, you can’t get a drink in bars or liquor store, not to mention getting into a club. So I couldn’t even go to any place with my friends, except house parties. And my friend invited me to one, but told me a day before Halloween that it got cancelled. Well then, I thought I would chill and just go to a UBC Improv show, but then my friend who was supposed to go with me had urgency back home to deal with. Ok, fine, I posted on the exchange student group to ask if there is a house party I can go. And people did tell me. But the problem is I don’t the people who passed me the info. It felt awkward to go to a house party without knowing anyone. Well, you might say, you can bring your friends.

        Yes, I did try. But my roommates and their friends want to go to downtown first. And we randomly picked a bar in Gastown, which sucks. So I wanted to go to the house parties that people told me. But it was already past midnight and it seemed super awkward to walk in at that time, not to mention we weren’t really sure where the places were and it was chilly outside. Oh, I almost forgot to mention, at the same time, my cellphone wasn’t working well, I couldn’t even text people. (I hate BELL!!)

        So we just head back. Such a nice trip back and forth without really doing anything! It really wasn’t anyone’s fault. But I do hope I can be more certain and more direct about what I want. If I was clear that I wanted to go to house parties first, then things might be different. However, it was really hard to decide what to do when I had so little information and I was afraid that they would be disappointed if those parties are not good. I guess I just need to be a bit more selfish. Why do I need to care so much about how others feel and sacrifice what I want?

        You might wonder why I was so desperate to go to parties. Well, let me be clear, I am not a party animal, or you should say that I seldom go to parties. Every time people invite me to go clubbing, it happened to be the time I was too tired or needed to work the day after, so I had to say no. Or it might be that I wasn’t in the mood to party with people I wasn’t that fond of. And people who I get along with usually don’t party that much, so I don’t really get invited to parties. I am just not belonged to any group which parties.

        But I do want to go crazy once in a while. And Halloween seemed to be a very justified time and reason to do so. I hate to admit that I haven’t been to any club in Vancouver, or another embarrassing fact that I have never been drunk. These are just like the things I want to have experience, like once, and it’s enough. My question is: when do I get the chance? All I yearn for is to experience and then I can proudly say, “I have lived.”

        I guess the worst part of all the things is that I kept being failed. Every time I tried to plan something, it turned out to be different from what I expected. It’s fine when it happened once or twice, but when it continued to happen, I got really pissed. Being a Capricorn, I tend to make plans for everything, so I felt even more disappointed when I can’t control what will happen.

        I know I still have time, still have a lot of chance, but I just don’t want to wait. My another personality is being impatient. So yeah, that’s my Halloween. Nothing tragic, but just sucks. (Oh, did I tell you that I even made the tiara myself, which took me more than 2 hours? )

But to clarify, the day before Halloween was good, it’s the day of Halloween that sucks. I still enjoyed carving pumpkins and went to a haunted houseJ

Harvest time!--Apple Festival & Potluck 20141018

Simply amazed by the different layers of colors. I felt blessed that I can just pass by this scene in my campus. 

So, I was thinking I should start to write in English more since I really need to practice my writing, or else I wouldn’t improve much even though I study in Canada. And here I am, trying to use my limited vocabulary to describe those subtle feelings and transient thoughts. Hope I can still capture the maximum of my ideas and emotions.

[Apple Festival]

I like golden gala! No wonder the goddesses fought for itXD

Apple is not my favorite fruit, but apple pie has always been my favorite dessert. I suspect my love of apple pie is from MacDonald, but who cares? I just know I always fail to reject a just baked apple pie or apple crumble with a scoop of vanilla ice cream. Life can’t be better with this unbeatable combination.  

Anyway, as I thought not many exchange students would be interested in this event since it’s very family-oriented, I only asked Ting if she wanted to come. Of course we two gobblers wouldn’t want to miss this event, so here we are! And as we imagined, we saw apple tart, apple tasting, caramel apple, apple chips and all kinds of apples to buy. I never knew the difference between apples for cooking and eating raw, but now I want to make apple jam by myself as well. Think about it, in cold and rainy Vancouver, what can be a better pastime than making apple jam in dorm?

I also had a great time enjoying the performance of UBC Acapella. They are pretty good, and watching them singing on stage made me want to join next term.


Isn't it a paradise for kids? I've always wanted to do it when I read picture books, but now I am too old.

Afterwards, we wondered in the botanical garden and accidentally strolled along half the route. I even went into a tree hole! Too bad that it’s not the hole Alice jumped in, or else I might be in wonderland now! But to be honest, my life here is pretty much like in wonderland. Every day I am challenged by new things and new ideas. And I was just like Alice, who thought herself has been educated well and always ready to be praised as a good girl, finding it surprising that people don’t react the way I expected. But still I will keep walking until I find my dream garden.

[Potluck]

Proud that my coconut curry is widely accepted by everyone. All I did was adding coconut milk in it and that makes everything differentXD

Recognized by two French girlsXD

I invited Gabby to come along and she taught me how to make the common Mexican starter, Quesadilla. I had a great time with her and I will definitely miss her after she goes back to Mexico. All my other theater junkie friends are staying for a term only, and who can I go to theater in next term?? I am also tempted to visit Mexico next June after I go to east coast:P

It is not a bad day, but i was just not that cheerful. Perhaps I am too used to spend time with someone, that it just felt awkward to not see him for a while. And I was therefore distracted from the present I was in and the people around me. Nevertheless, I am glad and thankful for what I had experienced today. It’s a common yet delightful Canadian day in autumn nonetheless!

台妹上菜 (20140930)

生活在外食選擇多元又便宜的公館，下廚對我而言從來都是多餘的。整棟女生宿舍也只有寥寥幾個電鍋、烤箱、微波爐，連瓦斯爐都沒有，完全勾引不起人煮飯的興致。但是來到溫哥華，如果不天天吃披薩，每餐少說都要台幣兩百元以上，而且可能還不怎麼樣，漢堡、壽司、Subway之類的，讓我只好從遠庖廚的君子變成開爐火的婆娘啦! 

食物於我們是如此的不可分割，即使遠在異鄉，適應了不同的學制、交通規則、氣候，還是不能沒有家鄉味。異國料理再好吃再新奇，似乎都只能當作嘗鮮，而不是真正生活裡填飽肚子跟靈魂的糧食。

以前總覺得下廚浪費時間，但是能夠拋開書本跟電腦，實際做出一道菜，其實賦予人極大的成就感。輕舀一匙油，灑點蒜頭爆香，放入碎肉跟洋蔥，當肉香跟洋蔥的辛香交錯跳動在鼻尖時，就彷彿回到桃園家裡的小廚房，跟媽媽並肩作菜的時光。不知為何，我極愛洋蔥，幾乎什麼料理都可以入菜，炒飯、炒麵、咖哩、沙拉，切洋蔥彷彿成了例行公事。(雖然常常切，還是會不小心剁到手。昨天又見血了QQ)

剛開始下廚，也不太會抓分量，常常煮太多，就便宜了室友。法國女孩跟加拿大女孩都輕易的被我用亞洲食物收服，香港室友自己也會做，就比較不稀奇啦XD 上周日是加拿大室友Steph的十九歲生日，除了送她穆桂英明信片跟木刻蝴蝶吊飾，我還答應要做糖醋排骨給她吃。我們兩的行事曆卻沒對好，拖到周二晚上才做。(為此我還翹了辯論練習，不過”懶”大概才是主因) 還順便邀了一些朋友，以後不該信口開河，隨便答應要下廚給別人吃，實在太傷本了。(希望這些傢伙知恩圖報，也讓我可以吃點便飯XD)

 
可愛的加拿大室友Stephanie! 第一次吃龍眼，聽我解釋龍眼的中文意思後，就玩了起來XD

昨晚在廚房忙活了兩個小時，煮出了六人份的食物，把大家餵的飽飽的，覺得自己可以嫁人了XDD 但是過程中其實手忙腳亂的，一個閃神，我就切到自己的手指，接著有人來按電鈴。可愛的日本男孩帶了蘋果派準時出現，得到的招呼是 "我切到手指了!” 這種血淋淋的問候，讓他急忙拿了紙巾捏住不斷出血的左手食指。(後來發現連牆上跟地板都有我的慘劇痕跡，可是一點都不痛啊:P)

而且家裡沒有足夠的碗盤，所以客人還要抱著自己的餐盤上門，實在是有夠逗趣。但看著本來不熟識的一群人同坐一桌，大快朵頤，我有種當女主人的快感。希望以後我家可以有很大的木頭餐桌，坐滿各地來的朋友，吃著我做的食物津津有味。(是不是該考慮開餐館或旅社呢?) 好客似乎是台灣人的本性，縱使人在異鄉依舊不改!


[台妹上菜Dine at Tammy’s table]
主菜: 糖醋排骨、杏鮑菇炒鹹蛋
沙拉: 紅酒醋沙拉
湯:   味噌湯
飯後水果: 龍眼
飯後甜點: 蘋果派 (日本男孩Kento帶來的)

得意的用木筷跟漆碗端起味噌湯，正港日本人!!

我們終將遺忘

       習慣把人看的太重，沒有秤好自己的心，結果當對方不在乎，輕易的把手鬆開時，就是自己重重摔落。友情也好，親情也罷，有時候都覺得是自己一個人在推著關係前進，另一個人停在原地，沒有要跟著我移動。或著是對方早就自顧自地走了，沒有要讓我繼續成為她生活的一部份。

        漸行漸遠漸無書。我很想抗拒一個太平洋的距離，跟在島上的你們保持互動，可是當你整個人如掉進黑洞裡無聲無息時，我該怎麼知道你過得好不好。

        然後當遠方的你們，突然拋來一句，”過的好嗎?” 我又該如何跟你們解釋? 我享受這裡的生活，可是這並不代表我不想念台灣的你們。有些人還是常常在臉書上互動，也會喬時間skype，有些人就真的消失了，或許我本來就是除非上課見面，否則根本不會想起的臉孔。

        世事流轉遠比我想的快。現在的執著，未來也許只會一笑置之。無論百年與否，人註定要走離人群，走向孤寂。

心　屬於你的
我借來寄託　卻變成我的心魔
你　屬於誰的
我剛好經過　卻帶來潮起潮落

＊都是因為一路上　一路上
　大雨曾經滂沱　證明你有來過
　可是當我閉上眼　再睜開眼
　只看見沙漠　哪裡有甚麼駱駝＊

＃背影是真的人是假的　沒甚麼執著
　一百年前你不是你我不是我
　悲哀是真的淚是假的　本來沒因果
　一百年後沒有你也沒有我＃

風　屬於天的
我借來吹吹　卻吹起人間煙火
天　屬於誰的
我借來欣賞　卻看到你的輪廓

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你怎麼可以隨便分享這麼蒼涼的歌，我又怎麼剛好在深夜點開呢? 然後就由不住的胡思亂想。
反覆聆聽著，想要把心放逐，假裝自己不在乎。可是太多的牽掛，太多的回憶，我丟不掉。

每次都被嘲弄說，"你怎麼這麼小女生? 這麼敏感?"
法國男孩也喜歡笑我不過一個尋常女孩 (An average girl)，容易受驚受怕，小題大作。

可是我就是這樣的人。我無法大氣的跟你說，我無所謂，因為我確實在意。我討厭人遲到，討厭當我認真時別人嘻嘻哈哈，我總是太容易把別人的玩笑話當真。也許我是個太嚴肅沉重的人吧。我也很單純，一旦認定了是朋友，就會認真的看待對方。我常常想問自己，為什麼要這麼傻，人是這麼複雜善變的動物，我何苦跟自己過不去呢?

有一天，我必須要遺忘一切，才能走下去。否則我自己都會被我自己壓垮。